panic and control
** dime-store psychology alert **
Yesterday I had to officially confront the very real possibility of packing (books. oh, so many books! Time to cull.) this summer. Along with the packing comes the moving, and where I will move and with whom I will live is still a mysterious, stress-laden subject for me to think about, much less act upon. And I will have to decide sometime in the next several months. (Jeez, just typing that sentence gives me the shivers.)
But I've been noticing this week that I've been feeling a lot more in control of my life -- maybe it's getting back to a routine that allows me to take more time for myself, go to the gym, eat real food instead of meals on the go. Maybe it's the unseasonally warm, sunny April-like weather. Who knows?
Anyway, here's what's going on: I haven't been "me" for several years, and I've been feeling "me" coming back. I don't feel repressed. Or trapped. Or in denial. Or guilty. When something is making me feel sad or uncomfortable or anxious, or -- most important, I think -- angry, I've been saying so, and I'm going to keep doing it. It's so basic and logical, but man, is it empowering. And energizing. And it helps me get what I need! What a relief! It feels great to know that needing something and asking for it is valid, and asking -- just asking -- may help me get it, whatever "it" is at that moment. And if I don't get what I needed after asking, I can at least know that I was true to myself in the process and stop kicking myself around. (I'm not talking asking for a double-scoop mint chip ice cream cone when I need one, by the way. Somehow, I'm never shy about asking for THAT . . .)
I've never been one to be afraid to ask for what I need, so it's been freaking me out that I've been going in that direction for so long that it felt unshakable. And I'm talking YEARS.
So -- I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, but this just happens to be clicking right now, at the beginning of a new year, so what the heck. I resolve to make 2006 the year that Jess really says what's on her mind. Because keeping it all in is really fucking exhausting.
Who knew just making time to go back to the gym could be so important?
Yesterday I had to officially confront the very real possibility of packing (books. oh, so many books! Time to cull.) this summer. Along with the packing comes the moving, and where I will move and with whom I will live is still a mysterious, stress-laden subject for me to think about, much less act upon. And I will have to decide sometime in the next several months. (Jeez, just typing that sentence gives me the shivers.)
But I've been noticing this week that I've been feeling a lot more in control of my life -- maybe it's getting back to a routine that allows me to take more time for myself, go to the gym, eat real food instead of meals on the go. Maybe it's the unseasonally warm, sunny April-like weather. Who knows?
Anyway, here's what's going on: I haven't been "me" for several years, and I've been feeling "me" coming back. I don't feel repressed. Or trapped. Or in denial. Or guilty. When something is making me feel sad or uncomfortable or anxious, or -- most important, I think -- angry, I've been saying so, and I'm going to keep doing it. It's so basic and logical, but man, is it empowering. And energizing. And it helps me get what I need! What a relief! It feels great to know that needing something and asking for it is valid, and asking -- just asking -- may help me get it, whatever "it" is at that moment. And if I don't get what I needed after asking, I can at least know that I was true to myself in the process and stop kicking myself around. (I'm not talking asking for a double-scoop mint chip ice cream cone when I need one, by the way. Somehow, I'm never shy about asking for THAT . . .)
I've never been one to be afraid to ask for what I need, so it's been freaking me out that I've been going in that direction for so long that it felt unshakable. And I'm talking YEARS.
So -- I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, but this just happens to be clicking right now, at the beginning of a new year, so what the heck. I resolve to make 2006 the year that Jess really says what's on her mind. Because keeping it all in is really fucking exhausting.
Who knew just making time to go back to the gym could be so important?
posted by Jess in boston at
Friday, January 13, 2006
2 Comments:
That's excellent. Good for you!! I feel somewhat the same way (with the moving and yet making decisions.)
I love the gym. If it wasn't a building, I would marry it. Maybe I will just marry my favorite crossramp machine instead.
By
Melanie, at 12:00 PM, January 13, 2006
good for your for sticking to it. i've made that one for the past 10 years and never stuck to it. have you thought about moving to, oh i don't know, France!?! ;-)
By
cucina testa rossa, at 3:47 PM, February 12, 2006
Post a Comment
<< Home